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:iconhyperjack08:
although you show that the car is on it's way to the 6th floor, this last panel is awkward in terms of pacing. i think you ask a little too much of your audience to notice the digital numbers above the control panel and get that you have left the elevator. sure , people will eventually get it, but i think it hurts the flow for a good gag to work.

i think having the last panel show"5" with action lines of you zipping off frame would've been better. or if you didn't want that type of wacky tone to your gag, you could've tried solving the problem in a subtler way like....well, picture all your previous frames lit a little dimly. on your last panel you could've just shown a cast lit door way up against the back of the elevator wall. that with the "5" above the control panel, would've been a much more effective approach to solving this problem.

you could've also tried a solution that's not as traditional as the straight on, horizon line smack center of the frame, camera angle used in a lot of gag strips. have you though about using the POV of a security camera in the elevator? i thing that would've been a lot more interesting than what you've done here.

i do like your work in general. the drawings are nice and i can tell that they are in an elevator...so there's a lot that's positive here.

i just think you can be a lot more effective in making your point. hope this helps and good luck :)
The Artist thought this was FAIR
346 out of 748 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconweiner-boop:
Weiner-boop Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013   General Artist
I think you brought up some really good points in your critique and i think that it is a very fair critique..... people need to hear about the things they could do to improve on their art
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:iconhyperjack08:
hyperjack08 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
thank you for saying so. it's much appreciated.
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:iconweiner-boop:
Weiner-boop Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013   General Artist
no problem :D
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:iconlepuske:
Lepuske Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Even tough I dont read much comics or anything. Once in month I see his comics and so on I have to disagree with the last panel thing. It was completly understandble those things happen in different moment. Maybe its becuase of understanding of the time difference of 2 panles. Every normal comic reader should. No? :P I dont know..
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:iconweirdduder10:
Weirdduder10 Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
good critique, expecially since i didnt really get the comic.
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:iconhyperjack08:
hyperjack08 Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012
thanks!
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:iconandrewzissou:
AndrewZissou Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011  Professional Photographer
Excellent critique.
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:iconhyperjack08:
hyperjack08 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2011
i don't think many people thought so, Andrew....but i'm glad you dug it.
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:iconscrox2:
SCROx2 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I just don't think it would be true to the style of the comics in the series "SYAC".
If it was like a criminal/ thriller series it might look good :)
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:iconscrox2:
SCROx2 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I disagree on your point of camera angle. I don't think it would suit a comic of this kind to be seen from the point of a security camera.
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:iconhyperjack08:
hyperjack08 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011
why not?
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:iconscrox2:
SCROx2 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I just don't think it would be true to the style of the comics in the series "SYAC".
If it was like a criminal/ thriller series it might look good :)
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:iconhyperjack08:
hyperjack08 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011
see, i don't think strips should be confined to a style of storytelling. i think an artist should adopt whatever style best serves the gag. it's a fresh and creative attitude to have.

the security camera angle is not only reserved for the crime genre. you can tell a joke that way. however i do respect a creator wanting to stick to a certain style if that's what he or she chooses. :)
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